Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Rinta-Perälä inspects a boob


What's the most relaxing place?
A congress room full of ambassadorial farts.

What did you get for Christmas?
A happy new year. Didn't like it.

What's the best Christmas gift you've ever received?
A double-headed squeegee. To be installed on the balcony.

Is Finnish hard to learn?
Yes. It's a simple language that has spent too much time alone.

What's the hardest language to learn?
Nonsense.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Open Up Your Constipated Eyes


Open up your constipated eyes
and push ahead with those cries.

Come between piss through and plague ahead,
go off guard where regrets tread.

Your tale breaks off if a trick misled
starts propping up the downright born dead.

Pack in your bedevilled honour
or you'll fizzle out like a goner.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Things you don't know about me


I once plunged up a policeman's canal and blew a whistle.

I grow a pinch of an inch every time I get thrown out of a restaurant.

I rattle fish traps like a horny latino.

I always watch the Laplandish news to see if there's any spume worth questioning.

I am the last death bed sniffer.

My butt is itching to tell lies and I don't know which way to walk it off.

Manly things


Butchering a moose in a garage.

Pissing on shoes.

An executioner marching.

Modeling frozen snot on a beard.

Going hunting and spending hours in one position.

A little Norwegian boy crying because there's no snow.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Riffing with a female audience


Now I'm coming clean. I haven't had sex in a long time. Such a long time. Protruding period. Swollen stretch.

But I'm not a big wanker. Not a big wanker. I repeat: not - a big - wank - er.

And I have proof. Holy Mary, have I got the proof. Here comes my proof. My cum... ladies. My cum... is so thick... that it's like watching a heat stroke stricken gecko gag out oatmeal.

Thank you. You have been wonderful.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

130

Bury your head and work the sock, Adolf.
Bury your head and work the sock.

What's great about Finland?

One of the bricks in the wall of my old elementary school hasn't aged at all. It's immaculate. One next to it is all crumbly and someone wrote "Ossi is a homo" on it.

And I guess it's also the people and the nature. Language, dialects, poetry, literature, music, arts, food, sports, history, education and porn mags. Finns calling each other wood bell ringers, batter pipes, bone throats, spark hats and priest stoners.

Finns have blank faces? Finland is like grey wallpaper? Finns have sung and expressed their fucking heads off. It doesn't fit on a cute T-shirt.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Rinta-Perälä does the usual


The best thing about interviewing yourself?
If I share too much I get spanked.

How do you wish to be remembered?
The boy who wanted to lay eggs.

Great deeds?
Anything in the name of tradition.

Your favourite tradition?
Egg spanking.

Your favourite Finnish words?
Yö is very attractive. Rakkaus is a good word. It sounds like hard work. Hard to throw around. Perkele is another one. Jukopliuta is fascinating.

Your least favourite expressions?
Makes you think and happy thoughts.

Otherworldly bird


Yliluonnon lintu

hinen as käin
kintteli vaillatella
muus tuspa set
tyyhin ritjat nitti

sin lamin tennä
voku juelu hus
raman tavakkalen
henake peit raa

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Rinta-Perälä waxes a lonesome lemon


Do you have any social fears?
Muggers might think I'm looney tunes when I'm staring at a moonscape.

Are you into cars?
No, I like leaky mechanics.

Are you into history?
The nazis were just playing hard to get.

Your favourite curse word?
Saatana.

What do we need in politics?
Innuendo. We need a commissioner who photocopies the Rogers Act and says, "feels like the first time every time."

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Performing to a female audience

Well, I see you're all girls, so let's start with anal sex. Many of you are puzzled and bumbazed. What is the theory behind it? It is such an obscure brain-teaser. This seems to work only on paper.

Well, my dear cinnamon buns, it's a complicated theory. And yes, you are tight. You're not a farmer's rubber boot. You are tight, but... There's a but. Here's the theory, and I hope you're sitting down: I like your anatomy. And yes, there is a hole in the theory. A very hairy one.

Rinta-Perälä indulges once more


What was your first word?
Schmacrilege.

Who are you really?
Just a clown who needs a cuddle. And a new checkered suit.

Who would you like to be?
You. Normal.

What was your favourite childhood toy?
I found it in the garbage and I called it my little cunt clod.

What's the best thing your parents ever taught you?
How to be a boiled potato.

Have you ever milked a cow?
I asked a mother of dignity to give my money back.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

For Christmas


A tongue-lashing from a nun.

Camouflaged sledgehammer.

Subliminal amour.

Finger-painting of Satan's black hell.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

How do you scare a nihilist?

Tell them they're the cream in your coffee and tickle their nose.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Rinta-Perälä interviews the back of his own head


You are slightly uneven.
That explains it.

What makes you happy?
Laughing inside in a quiet place.

What motivates you?
I've clearly got someone else's eyebrows but I can't shave them.

Money?
Don't take it personally.

What is your political affiliation?
I'm an anti-inferiorist condescendalist.

Can I get a serious answer?
Kirk Douglas.

What did you do last summer?
I accepted Christ as my vigilante.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Vomit in the Nostrils of Sympathy


Everything you say makes me think of deprived greedy pigs choking on feathers.

You're a proper spew vendor.
Slime mongering pest pimple.
Cowardly, dallying scum romancing overeager, runny crap.

Here lies the immortal shitfly.
Finally stifled by death's squeeze
and now chilling the hell out of hades.

You've got just enough childlike innocence to lick rocks.

You disappointing dick wink.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Things you can shout at holy individuals


Blessed is the man who endures tampering.

I'm a changed person. I convulsed.

I had two erections in the temple but they're gone now.

Absent in body, but present in spillage.

Sunday liar.

I straightened the trumpet.

I never get my prosecutions and prophecies mixed up.

Affirmative.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

...

“Thus the days went by at Terralba, and our sensibilities became numbed, since we felt ourselves lost between an evil and a virtue equally inhuman.”

The Cloven Viscount
by Italo Calvino

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Rinta-Perälä interviews himself all over


What's the meaning of life?
Proof of employment.

What's that smell?
Afterlife.

What's your favourite colour?
Snorkelers are degenerate perverts.

Why should landlords consider your charisma?
I'm just the sort of maniac.

Why should lunatics encourage you?
There's more nibbling in it than you think.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Kuluttavat harhailujalat


meillä on jäntevä elopää
haarojen ituveri
tyvijyvän kanta
muotojen risumuren

avarra jalan taakkaa

meillä on punosimulohko
juurtuman itku
synnyntövihanta
pahat orasosakkaat

-

worn out by rambling feet

we have a wiry force head
branching sprout blood
base of the crown grain
shapely brush crumble

broaden the foot's burden

we have a weave draw fraction
weepings of the rooted
blooming breeding
bad limb members

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Friday, September 27, 2013

Rinta-Perälä interviews himself again


What turns you on?
A massive thesaurus.

What's the best way to charm?
Pretend you're a chimney sweep.

Where do you get your ideas?
The homo sapiens walk-in closet.

Can you do the hokey pokey?
I thought it was a gay bar in Israel.

What's the last thing that made you laugh?
A dizzy bagpipe instructor.

What have you learned over the years?
God is real and his name is Bob.

What would your protest sign say?
To hell with hampered wind chimes.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

I'd like to see that

Asian male porn star with a raging case of OCD.
Norm Macdonald as James Bond.
Paul Anka performing "Burnt to a Fuck" by Autopsy.
Polar beams emitting crux contrast.
Landscaper daydreaming.
Bitter fanatics and humourless rebels stuck in an elevator.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

LIIKALEHTI - kesät talvet otsikot


Meteorologin koskettavat jäähyväiset: huomenna on uusi päivä ja uudet kliseet

Porstuanparsija Yrjö Ämmälä kiistää jyrkästi olevansa perseenjyrsijä

Italian lottoministeri Paviani Daisari on arponut seuraavan presidentin

Ahvenanmaalainen sinappitehdas myöntää marjasontiaisten käytön

Vantaan arkkipiispa: sydän petti sikaillessa

Ikirouta kutisee - katso kuvat

Monday, July 15, 2013

Huonosti hillitty tarkastaa.
Hajalle vastattu järjestää.

Huonosti hillityn harras arvo.
Hailakan varman nätti luulo.

Carelessly controlled and inspecting.
Answered to pieces and arranging.

Carelessly controlled with devoted gravity.
Lustrelessly secure with pleasant fancy.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Classic songs no one has ever heard


"You're in Safe Hands but I Haven't Washed Them"

"Just a Madman Passing By After All"

"Jiggling Down, Swerving About"

"I Compared Dustpans with a Matador"

"Put Your Eek Suit On"

"Ich bin ein propeller"

"Is This Your Sputum?"

"The Inversely Proportional Song"

"Merchant Vessel Ramshackle"

"Corrode the Code and Drink the Ink"

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Names for bands that perhaps should quit

Cuddle the Despot
Teem with Sick
Follow the Forklift
Precreamery
The Sweaty Herrings
Miscontagious
Pilailme
Brassy Padre
Cradle the Error
Six Minutes of Safety
Kuusto
Homemade Somebody
Neckline Brittle
Rakkine
Interbreed Overheat
Poisvesi

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

More usernames for users with not enough names

Ideal Butcher
Shaven for Sermon
Waft Cheeks
Fishing for a Brouhaha
Gimping Blimp
All Hell Fit Just Right
Dreaming for Charity
Invalid Giddy Squid
Pissy Heritage
I Remember Cacophony
Old Maid Poster Child
Mince Louder
Piece of Skank
Slimeball Tambourine

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Neglected traditional music


"Let Go of My Hand", a Hebrew seaman work song

"Too Rude to Wrestle", song of the Roman hedge peepers

"Lap Up and Let Loose" by Albin the Mole Hassler

"No Reason to Sing at All", a Russian harvest ballad

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Spread the slurp

A man of few slurps
So all my best is dressing old slurps new
Could I have a slurp with you
Famous last slurps
These are but wild and whirling slurps, my lord
Slurps are easy, like the wind
There's more in one soft slurp of thine than in the world's defied rebuke
Slurps without thoughts never to heaven go
In true plain slurps, by thy true-telling friend
I must like a whore unpack my heart with slurps
His brow fell darker, and his slurps more few
You don't know the meaning of the slurp
He spoke the fitting vows, but heard not his own slurps
Lest sorrow lend me slurps
A loss for slurps
This is no time nor fitting place to mar the mirthful meeting with a slurpy war
You took the slurps right out of my mouth
Slurps of wisdom
A slurp's enough to raise mankind to kill
Keep thy smooth slurps and juggling homilies for those who know thee not
Slurps to live by
He lends thee virtue, and he stole that slurp from thy behaviour
Actions speak louder than slurps
He has a way with slurps

Monday, May 6, 2013

Usernames for users of names

Lookin like a Cousin
Doormat of Principle
Bastards Also Marry
Gangsta Fossil
Reasonable Abomination
Lazarus Needs Washing
Long Live Scrambling
Redemption on a Stick
Lactose Incomparable
Space Age Featherbrain
Mother Gave Me Rabies
Lazy Resuscitater
Rebel without Insurance
Homeless Question
Embarrassment Dependent
Duplicorn
Kissi-Mirri Pukkila-Dakota
Dancing Aimlessly
Cinematoxinomist
Chinless Bastard
Enslaved by Timid Jazz
Involved in Mild Chemistry
Squirting Triumph
Pointless at This Point
Excellent Rubber Cadaver
I Came I Saw I Lolloped
Dick Peeking Shit Face
The Seductive Party
Painter of It All
Guilteen
Immature Ghost
Dead-end Anonymity

Sunday, April 21, 2013

I bet words wish they weren't true

"Presenceless souls, trapped
On thin anonymous discs of eroded wax,
Continuous shrieks spearing through
Marbleskin earshaped antennae
Of aesthetic-soaked pincushions,
Springfoot leapers, frozen in flight,
Clinging to shallow bowled spoons,
Twisting in desperately clawed caves
Holding pinkish moisture, dripped
By parched secret needle-sucking mouths
Brooding on stoned cliffs of tarnished arms."
Bob Kaufman, Solitudes Crowded with Loneliness, 1965

"If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, -
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori."
Wilfred Owen, 1917

 Grand Duke Dictionary Forger

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Suomen kieli on kieltämättä suomalainenkin

Keskiyön auringon lauluja
Songs of the Midnight Sun

Martti, Marjatta & Eveliina Pokela

A: Songs from Lapland
B: Folk music

"A Finnish riddle asks 'What is born in the woods, grows in the home, stands on the wall and sings on the knee?' The right answer, of course, is the kantele. The 5-stringed 'Väinämöinen kantele' is essentially associated with the traditions of Finnish folk music. It is a simple instrument to be plucked with the fingers, and has been played among people of Finnish stock living along the coasts of the Baltic and the Gulf of Finland. According to research, it is about 2000 years old. The 5-stringed kantele has been used to play rune, song and dance melodies, but the ancient Finns used the instrument also for rune-song accompaniment and for improvisations. The charming tones of this outwardly modest little instrument created a rare atmosphere in the smoke cabins where runic melodies from the Kalevala were still being sung as recently as last century."
SFLP 8500, 1969

Seitsemän auringon yö
The Night of the Seven Suns

Matti A. Pitkänen, Airi Hast, Rauno Ruotsinsalo

Weilin+Göös 1966

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Naapuripitäjäläisiä

"Neighbour folks"

Tar grabbers, shit trousers, grand ones, rail heads, slice bellies, straw soggies, nutters, horn heads, jam boots, sledgers, summer gruel brewers, pretty ones, soup baskets, oat arses, manger bags, yellow bellies, bear rowers, church guests, dog cookers, showy ones, church patchers, spawning congregaters, pussy cockies, smut brows, wood bags, fresh calf whippers, gougers, wave-beaten, cowshoers, horseflies, wool balls, pig milkers, crow friers, death killers, body snatchers, horse thieves, hopeless ones, lagging bell ringers, goat slayers, wife swappers, barley seed eaters, big bangers, sour milk scales, straw shins, devil burners, wood bell ringers, halfwits, bone throats, spark hats, spud munchers, tar barrels, tar taps, batter pipes, cat tail stretchers, pig thieves, knot tails, brave and wise, priest stoners, leather net stealers, tarred church men, sheet smiths

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Rinta-Perälä


My first album.
Classical. Chamber organ and string orchestra.

Music and production by Rinta-Perälä.
The beginning of "Laulu" is traditional.
Cover photo was taken in my home village Perälä.

Download FLAC
https://soundcloud.com/rinta-perala/


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

On my gravestone


He was nothing compared to knitting.

Another pointless trip to the cemetery.

Lurking permitted.

Wait for it.

Smells like a class act.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Our salt on senses


I'm not sure if you exist. Not without parasitic thoughts.
Parasitic thoughts on a tireless quest for satire.

Intimate indications and disturbed rainbows.
Exhibition of some common sense by exhausted muses.

Kangaroo footprints in the desert tonight depending on the wind.
Flattering nonsense to late bloomers tomorrow depending on the mind.

Scented mementos from the spare shiver workshop.
Radiant matter of precision madness.

Possible confession of the repressive.
Real surrealists and surreal realists.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Rinta-Perälä interviews himself


Do you realise how great you are?
I'll congratulate myself in the shower.

What was your nickname at school?
The head nigger in charge. Peppermint Cream later at university.

Do you have a recurring dream?
W. C. Fields climbs a ladder and shouts, "come here, you little coconut!"

What are you afraid of?
Can not answer. Fear singing. Mind thinking static.

What is your favourite texture?
Pureed eggs.

What would be the title of your autobiography?
Six inches of dignity.

Any advice?
When someone tickles you, say ow.

What would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
Don't you know who I am?

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Oldies But Boldies


"Don't Rub My Junk Up the Wrong Way" by Richard Stolz

"Let's Use Our Inside Fingers" by Whiffy Goldspatter

"Hello Mother, Hello Your Honor" by The Downrights

"Are You Worth Looking at Later?" by Dick Dodger & Maya Schollisred

"Pussy Wants a Cucumber" by Mary Anther