Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Rinta-Perälä inspects a boob

What's the most relaxing place?
A congress room full of ambassadorial farts.

What did you get for Christmas?
A happy new year. Didn't like it.

What's the best Christmas gift you've ever received?
A double-headed squeegee. To be installed on the balcony.

Is Finnish hard to learn?
Yes. It's a simple language that has spent too much time alone.

What's the hardest language to learn?

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Open Up Your Constipated Eyes

Open up your constipated eyes
and push ahead with those cries.

Come between piss through and plague ahead,
go off guard where regrets tread.

Your tale breaks off if a trick misled
starts propping up the downright born dead.

Pack in your bedevilled honour
or you'll fizzle out like a goner.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Things you don't know about me

I once plunged up a policeman's canal and blew a whistle.

I grow a pinch of an inch every time I get thrown out of a restaurant.

I rattle fish traps like a horny latino.

I always watch the Laplandish news to see if there's any spume worth questioning.

I am the last death bed sniffer.

My butt is itching to tell lies and I don't know which way to walk it off.

Manly things

Butchering a moose in a garage.

Pissing on shoes.

An executioner marching.

Modeling frozen snot on a beard.

Going hunting and spending hours in one position.

A little Norwegian boy crying because there's no snow.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


Bury your head and work the sock, Adolf.
Bury your head and work the sock.

What's great about Finland?

One of the bricks in the wall of my old elementary school hasn't aged at all. It's immaculate. One next to it is all crumbly and someone wrote "Ossi is a homo" on it.

And I guess it's also the people and the nature. Language, dialects, poetry, literature, music, arts, food, sports, history, education and porn mags. Finns calling each other wood bell ringers, batter pipes, bone throats, spark hats and priest stoners.

Finns have blank faces? Finland is like grey wallpaper? Finns have sung and expressed their fucking heads off. It doesn't fit on a cute T-shirt.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Rinta-Perälä does the usual

The best thing about interviewing yourself?
If I share too much I get spanked.

How do you wish to be remembered?
The boy who wanted to lay eggs.

Great deeds?
Anything in the name of tradition.

Your favourite tradition?
Egg spanking.

Your favourite Finnish words?
Yö is very attractive. Rakkaus is a good word. It sounds like hard work. Hard to throw around. Perkele is another one. Jukopliuta is fascinating.

Your least favourite expressions?
Makes you think and happy thoughts.

Otherworldly bird

Yliluonnon lintu

hinen as käin
kintteli vaillatella
muus tuspa set
tyyhin ritjat nitti

sin lamin tennä
voku juelu hus
raman tavakkalen
henake peit raa

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Rinta-Perälä waxes a lonesome lemon

Do you have any social fears?
Muggers might think I'm looney tunes when I'm staring at a moonscape.

Are you into cars?
No, I like leaky mechanics.

Are you into history?
The nazis were just playing hard to get.

Your favourite curse word?

What do we need in politics?
Innuendo. We need a commissioner who photocopies the Rogers Act and says, "feels like the first time every time."

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Rinta-Perälä indulges once more

What was your first word?

Who are you really?
Just a clown who needs a cuddle. And a new checkered suit.

Who would you like to be?
You. Normal.

What was your favourite childhood toy?
I found it in the garbage and I called it my little cunt clod.

What's the best thing your parents ever taught you?
How to be a boiled potato.

Have you ever milked a cow?
I asked a mother of dignity to give my money back.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

For Christmas

A tongue-lashing from a nun.

Camouflaged sledgehammer.

Subliminal amour.

Finger-painting of Satan's black hell.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

How do you scare a nihilist?

Tell them they're the cream in your coffee and tickle their nose.