5 Butt-Sniffing Facts About Nordic Peoples

 1. My astrological sign is reindeer. Unfortunately I'm a male reindeer, which means that the Japanese want to grind my penis into a powder and sell it to Yakuza housewives. I read my horoscope every day.

2. My favourite Scandinavian sweater is black-and-white. I call it fisherman's friend's funeral.

3. Swedish-Americans had a massive campaign for George W. Bush. The slogan was "My Bush Is Yourge Bush".

4. Even though Santa Claus lives in Finland, I am still a virgin to Jingle All the Way.

5. The official phrase for learning an authentic Finnish accent is "Tutsi fruts dental floos".