Merry Christmas

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_life_forms

Things you don't know about me

I once plunged up a policeman's canal and blew a whistle.

I grow a pinch of an inch every time I get thrown out of a restaurant.

I rattle fish traps like a horny latino.

I always watch the Laplandish news to see if there's any spume worth questioning.

I am the last death bed sniffer.

My butt is itching to tell lies and I don't know which way to walk it off.

Manly things

Butchering a moose in a garage.

Pissing on shoes.

An executioner marching.

Modeling frozen snot on a beard.

Going hunting and spending hours in one position.

A little Norwegian boy crying because there's no snow.

What's great about Finland?

One of the bricks in the wall of my old elementary school hasn't aged at all. It's immaculate. One next to it is all crumbly and someone wrote "Ossi is a homo" on it.

And I guess it's also the people and the nature. Language, dialects, poetry, literature, music, arts, food, sports, history, education and porn mags. Finns calling each other wood bell ringers, batter pipes, bone throats, spark hats and priest stoners.

Finns have blank faces? Finland is like grey wallpaper? Finns have sung and expressed their fucking heads off. It doesn't fit on a cute T-shirt.

Rinta-Perälä does the usual

The best thing about interviewing yourself?
If I share too much I get spanked.

How do you wish to be remembered?
The boy who wanted to lay eggs.

Great deeds?
Anything in the name of tradition.

Your favourite tradition?
Egg spanking.

Your favourite Finnish words?
Yö is very attractive. Rakkaus is a good word. It sounds like hard work. Hard to throw around. Perkele is another one. Jukopliuta is fascinating.

Your least favourite expressions?
Makes you think and happy thoughts.

Otherworldly bird

Yliluonnon lintu

hinen as käin
kintteli vaillatella
muus tuspa set
tyyhin ritjat nitti

sin lamin tennä
voku juelu hus
raman tavakkalen
henake peit raa

Rinta-Perälä waxes a lonesome lemon

Do you have any social fears?
Muggers might think I'm looney tunes when I'm staring at a moonscape.

Are you into cars?
No, I like leaky mechanics.

Are you into history?
The nazis were just playing hard to get.

Your favourite curse word?
Saatana.

What do we need in politics?
Innuendo. We need a commissioner who photocopies the Rogers Act and says, "feels like the first time every time."

Rinta-Perälä indulges once more

What was your first word?
Schmacrilege.

Who are you really?
Just a clown who needs a cuddle. And a new checkered suit.

Who would you like to be?
You. Normal.

What was your favourite childhood toy?
I found it in the garbage and I called it my little cunt clod.

What's the best thing your parents ever taught you?
How to be a boiled potato.

Have you ever milked a cow?
I asked a mother of dignity to give my money back.

For Christmas

A tongue-lashing from a nun.

Camouflaged sledgehammer.

Subliminal amour.

Finger-painting of Satan's black hell.

How do you scare a nihilist?

Tell them they're the cream in your coffee and tickle their nose.

Rinta-Perälä interviews the back of his own head

You are slightly uneven.
That explains it.

What makes you happy?
Laughing inside in a quiet place.

What motivates you?
I've clearly got someone else's eyebrows but I can't shave them.

Money?
Don't take it personally.

What is your political affiliation?
I'm an anti-inferiorist condescendalist.

Can I get a serious answer?
Kirk Douglas.

What did you do last summer?
I accepted Christ as my vigilante.

Vomit in the Nostrils of Sympathy

Everything you say makes me think of deprived greedy pigs choking on feathers.

You're a proper spew vendor.
Slime mongering pest pimple.
Cowardly, dallying scum romancing overeager, runny crap.

Here lies the immortal shitfly.
Finally stifled by death's squeeze
and now chilling the hell out of hades.

You've got just enough childlike innocence to lick rocks.

You disappointing dick wink.

Things you can shout at holy individuals

Blessed is the man who endures tampering.

I'm a changed person. I convulsed.

I had two erections in the temple but they're gone now.

Absent in body, but present in spillage.

Sunday liar.

I straightened the trumpet.

I never get my prosecutions and prophecies mixed up.

Affirmative.

...

“Thus the days went by at Terralba, and our sensibilities became numbed, since we felt ourselves lost between an evil and a virtue equally inhuman.”

The Cloven Viscount
by Italo Calvino

Rinta-Perälä interviews himself all over

What's the meaning of life?
Proof of employment.

What's that smell?
Afterlife.

What's your favourite colour?
Snorkelers are degenerate perverts.

Why should landlords consider your charisma?
I'm just the sort of maniac.

Why should lunatics encourage you?
There's more nibbling in it than you think.